Some shitty fanfic I wrote years ago. Apparently some people still like it, so
they harrassed me into uploading it.
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
Rule 34, or
What Rowling Didn't Tell Us - A Short Excursus On Magical Sexuality
Looking at the works of Joanne K. Rowling, one thing sticks out - a striking
lack of explicit scenes. Fan fiction authors, of course, have been trying to
fix this, but a comprehensive work on this is is still due. This treatise makes
no claim of exhaustiveness, but still seeks to provide a concise overview.
Even as early as Charlemagne, wizards and witches knew Viagra, which made them
nobles' and clergy's favorites. Later though, the latter tried to seize the
market and the monopoly (both to satisfy their needs and because of the high
prices the pink flaskets obtained) in a process called witch hunt by
historians. They lost in the long term and only succeeded in ruining the
market, forcing it deep underground. Only during renaissance, trade started
picking up again, to later experience a boom on absolutist courts. Then, in the
18th and 19th century, in an act of romantic idealization and semantic shift,
the nameless, or many-named, stimulating potion became what is now known as
love potion - rather chaste and profoundly more difficult to make in its
literal meaning than the original.
Along with globalization and improving availabilty of rare and illegal
ingredients (did you really believe the Ministry of Magic had trade under
control? Me neither), the creative use of the very versatile polyjuice potion
and its relatives became more commonplace. Specialisation, fetishification and
overall demand for smutty movies increased, and the magic adult industry
discovered the polyjuice's utility for porn shoots - cheap doubles for the
rather expensive stars became reality, body modification even easier, and some
niche studios started creating 3D furry, selling it to muggles as animation
after a light retouch. Postmodern porn stars now don't even take part in shoots
themselves anymore, they only sign contracts about the use of their hair and
are highly protective of it - piracy is a serious problem.
German based underground mail order company Bumsfidel & Co , originally an
industry supplier, landed a smashing and unexpected success when the magic
fetish scene discovered their polyjuice vials - they barely made it out of the
lab before turning into cash. Swinger parties and orgies soon saw polyjuices
being used to swap bodies and even sex - officially taboo but highly tempting.
And even if you wouldn't get your 15 minutes of fame, you could be a star for
this time, provided you had contacts to the piracy scene. But after a while,
the Ministry of Magic got wind of these activities and clamped down on usage
under pretence of hunting practitioners of the dark arts, writing up and
enforcing trade agreements, in the end only making production facilities move
to the legal havens of the Netherlands and Liechtenstein.
The phallic symbolism of the wand, especially distinctive in the
English-speaking world, inspired linguists and misguided damsels alike. Some
of the highly experimental work, though, ended in rather disastrous ways
(Muggles: Think of an equivalent for your reproductive parts being stuck in
your vacuum cleaner) and ended up being ignored by most of academia outside
medicine. Swelling charms gone wrong (somehow bouncing off the object they were
originally intended for) are among the more harmless accidents St. Mungos
treats every day, other problems with practices and fetishes include (among the
less outlandish) levitation and jinxed clothes gone wrong.
Even, or especially, zoophilia has a long history in wizarddom, centaurs being
an unconvenient witness badly shunted and denied by more conservative circles.
Just try bringing it up on a party! Similarly, love golems made in Prague
(Slogan: from Prague with Love) have a long tradition, but recently the Prague
Association of Practical Kabbalists has voiced concerns about the market being
ruined by Japanese mass import goods. Nonetheless, under the pressure of the
new competition, they have departed from some of their Dogmas and now employ
materials that aren't clay, like rubber, latex and silicone, less enchantable
but vastly more flexible.
Always inventive, the BDSM/dark scene has invented some of the most useful
combat and binding spells, for example a vast repertoire of rope jinxes.
Persecution has mostly missed them since they always seem to have agents the
upper Echelons of the Ministry, but recent imtermingling with their muggle
equivalent has made informed circles rather uncomfortable.
World's oldest trade is also practiced by witches and has been respectable for
a much longer time than muggle prostitution - equality is much easier to
achieve when Koro and Vagina Dentata aren't mere myths, but curses intended for
Since coverage of this topic is sparse and the official literature has been
quiet about the wizardry's sexuality, much of this is sourced in oral testimony
and careful observation of the muggles' customs - no liability is accepted.
 translator's note: In the original, I used the made-up word
"Stehauftränkchen" (similar to Stehaufmännchen; oh German how I love thee),
which is rather untranslatable and literally means stand-up potionlet.
 translator's note: Bumsfidel is an emphasized version of fidel, which means
merry or sportive. Bumsfidel itself doesn't have any sexual connotation, but
German bumsen means to bang and is just as ambiguous.
 If you don't know it: bash.org/?111338
published: Dec 15 2009, probably.
last edited: Jul 25 2012 (translated).
epistemic status: subjunctive.