Some shitty fanfic I wrote years ago. Apparently some people still like it, so they harrassed me into uploading it. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU'VE DONE. ----

Rule 34

, or

What Rowling Didn't Tell Us - A Short Excursus On Magical Sexuality

---- "Do it!" "CRUCIO!" "nnnGHAAAH! MORE!" Looking at the works of Joanne K. Rowling, one thing sticks out - a striking lack of explicit scenes. Fan fiction authors, of course, have been trying to fix this, but a comprehensive work on this is is still due. This treatise makes no claim of exhaustiveness, but still seeks to provide a concise overview. Even as early as Charlemagne, wizards and witches knew Viagra, which made them nobles' and clergy's favorites. Later though, the latter tried to seize the market and the monopoly (both to satisfy their needs and because of the high prices the pink flaskets obtained) in a process called witch hunt by historians. They lost in the long term and only succeeded in ruining the market, forcing it deep underground. Only during renaissance, trade started picking up again, to later experience a boom on absolutist courts. Then, in the 18th and 19th century, in an act of romantic idealization and semantic shift, the nameless, or many-named, stimulating potion[1] became what is now known as love potion - rather chaste and profoundly more difficult to make in its literal meaning than the original. Along with globalization and improving availabilty of rare and illegal ingredients (did you really believe the Ministry of Magic had trade under control? Me neither), the creative use of the very versatile polyjuice potion and its relatives became more commonplace. Specialisation, fetishification and overall demand for smutty movies increased, and the magic adult industry discovered the polyjuice's utility for porn shoots - cheap doubles for the rather expensive stars became reality, body modification even easier, and some niche studios started creating 3D furry, selling it to muggles as animation after a light retouch. Postmodern porn stars now don't even take part in shoots themselves anymore, they only sign contracts about the use of their hair and are highly protective of it - piracy is a serious problem. German based underground mail order company Bumsfidel & Co [2], originally an industry supplier, landed a smashing and unexpected success when the magic fetish scene discovered their polyjuice vials - they barely made it out of the lab before turning into cash. Swinger parties and orgies soon saw polyjuices being used to swap bodies and even sex - officially taboo but highly tempting. And even if you wouldn't get your 15 minutes of fame, you could be a star for this time, provided you had contacts to the piracy scene. But after a while, the Ministry of Magic got wind of these activities and clamped down on usage under pretence of hunting practitioners of the dark arts, writing up and enforcing trade agreements, in the end only making production facilities move to the legal havens of the Netherlands and Liechtenstein. The phallic symbolism of the wand, especially distinctive in the English-speaking world[3], inspired linguists and misguided damsels alike. Some of the highly experimental work, though, ended in rather disastrous ways (Muggles: Think of an equivalent for your reproductive parts being stuck in your vacuum cleaner) and ended up being ignored by most of academia outside medicine. Swelling charms gone wrong (somehow bouncing off the object they were originally intended for) are among the more harmless accidents St. Mungos treats every day, other problems with practices and fetishes include (among the less outlandish) levitation and jinxed clothes gone wrong. Even, or especially, zoophilia has a long history in wizarddom, centaurs being an unconvenient witness badly shunted and denied by more conservative circles. Just try bringing it up on a party! Similarly, love golems made in Prague (Slogan: from Prague with Love) have a long tradition, but recently the Prague Association of Practical Kabbalists has voiced concerns about the market being ruined by Japanese mass import goods. Nonetheless, under the pressure of the new competition, they have departed from some of their Dogmas and now employ materials that aren't clay, like rubber, latex and silicone, less enchantable but vastly more flexible. Always inventive, the BDSM/dark scene has invented some of the most useful combat and binding spells, for example a vast repertoire of rope jinxes. Persecution has mostly missed them since they always seem to have agents the upper Echelons of the Ministry, but recent imtermingling with their muggle equivalent has made informed circles rather uncomfortable. World's oldest trade is also practiced by witches and has been respectable for a much longer time than muggle prostitution - equality is much easier to achieve when Koro and Vagina Dentata aren't mere myths, but curses intended for abusive customers. Since coverage of this topic is sparse and the official literature has been quiet about the wizardry's sexuality, much of this is sourced in oral testimony and careful observation of the muggles' customs - no liability is accepted. ---- Footnotes: [1] translator's note: In the original, I used the made-up word "Stehauftränkchen" (similar to Stehaufmännchen; oh German how I love thee), which is rather untranslatable and literally means stand-up potionlet. [2] translator's note: Bumsfidel is an emphasized version of fidel, which means merry or sportive. Bumsfidel itself doesn't have any sexual connotation, but German bumsen means to bang and is just as ambiguous. [3] If you don't know it: published: Dec 15 2009, probably. last edited: Jul 25 2012 (translated). epistemic status: subjunctive.